The Call (long story)

This is my first time using blogger and really my first blog entry since the days of xanga! Anyways, this will serve as a forum for my thoughts and concerns revolving around my upcoming trip to Thailand.

The Call (for those who enjoy reading, like really enjoy reading. You've been warned.)

I remember feeling a nudging from God to go to Thailand a few years ago when I heard stories about human trafficking, slavery and the different needs of the people there, but I didn't really want to go. I mean, I had a desire to see the Thai people freed from the influence and effects of sin, but not really the desire to personally be the one to go and do something. I didn't see how this "calling" fit into my plans and just like other things God has put into my life, I decided that my way was better and ran like Jonah, only to find myself eventually swallowed whole.

I guess It really started in Jr. High @ PCJC Family camp when I was a camper at Redwood Christian Camp. It was mid-week and I decided to cry out for God to reveal himself to me since my teenage world was seemingly collapsing inward and falling apart (8th grade girl problems). God met me in a powerful way as I was overcome by the peace of the Spirit and knew for the first time in my life that God was real (and willing to engage me personally). My whole world changed and I vowed to serve God with my life since I knew then that truly, there is no one greater. God put pastor and missionary on my heart. Almost too predictably, my fire for the Lord waned as I learned that he was not the "wish answering genie god" that I had understood him to be. I felt tricked and alone. The world told me that I had given up my life for nothing. God wasn't holding up his part of the deal. I thought that if I went to church and served him, he in turn would give me the "desires of my heart", particularly in the areas of romance and prosperity. I turned from God and spent several frustrating years seeking to find fulfillment in empty places. Pastor and Missionary.

As I entered into my 20's, my life had begun to stabilize as I realized that nothing in the world could fulfill me and complete me like a right relationship with God. I married at 22 and started a new chapter in my life, seeking God and doing my best to be the head of my family, but still not willing to completely trust God with my life (and future). By this time, I had reasoned that the life of a pastor would be financially challenging, emotionally draining, and just too demanding for me to provide my family with the type of lifestyle I grew up living. I knew that I didn't want to become a pastor and I definitely didn't want to become a missionary! Pastor and Missionary.

I continued to struggle through life, dealing with the repercussions of my Dad's passing, becoming a Father myself and trying to provide a stable future for my family. I've always felt that I was decent at many things, but never excellent at much, so I struggled to zero in on a career that would satisfy me. Again I heard the call. Maybe God decided to focus on one thing since I had become so stubborn, whatever the reason, God called me to ministry. I felt a desire to enter into youth ministry again (I had served as a youth director right after I was married) and applied for the youth director position at my current church, Mission Valley. Funny because soon after I began working as the youth director, God once again put pastor on my heart. I reluctantly decided to explore the duties of the pastorate as I went through the LMC (local ministerial candidate) program and quickly realized that this was the career I had been searching for! I felt alive. This is what I was meant to do. I watched in wonder as God showed me how he could redeem the broken experiences of my past and use them to relate to others. I was able to come alongside them and help them find their place in the church and encourage them to grow in intimacy with God. Thailand.

Around this time, God began to put a call on my heart for Thailand. Whenever I heard or watched anything about Thailand, my heart broke. I was almost always brought to tears thinking about the injustice and sin that abounds in this land. As someone deeply involved in the church, I am constantly hearing testimonies of people serving all over the world and hearing of the need in countries like Africa, Haiti, Indonesia, China (etc.), but my heart breaks for Thailand. But going to Thailand didn't seem to fit into my schedule or plans as I struggled to manage family, ministry and school (working towards ordination), so every year I was relieved to find an excuse not to go. Thailand

2012 has been a very interesting year for me. To be honest, we have really struggled financially throughout this year, partially due to lack of income and partially due to poor judgment, planning and the unforeseen costs of growing children. I have really felt this strain and even considered taking on a second job to supplement my income, but decided against this because I think it would do more damage (to family life) than good. Thailand. Again I felt God placing Thailand on my heart. This time I was receiving prayer at a worship service and strangers I had never met before began to pour out words of encouragement for me. Right away I felt a strong sense that I needed to go to Thailand. This time I decided to act. I inquired about the 2012 Thailand trip and found out that I wouldn't be able to make the first info meeting because of another commitment I had. I was assured that I would be noted as interested and receive the details for the trip. But I never received any info and decided that this must not be the right time and that I was too busy anyways, so I never followed up. As the April deadline came and went, I felt relieved that I had escaped again. Maybe God would stop bothering me about Thailand now since I did try to go. Missionary.

I celebrated my 31st Birthday at the end of May and had some friends and family over to celebrate. My brother-in-law shared with me that for some reason he felt that God wanted him to encourage me to go on missions and that maybe God was saying that I would be a missionary, or something along those lines. I thought he was crazy and we kind of concluded that wherever I'm at, I am essentially a missionary since I would be spreading the gospel as a pastor. Later that night, my mother informed me that they named me Philip after Philip the Evangelist (as opposed to Philip the Apostle) and that their hope was that maybe I would become a Missionary. Not cool. I was not interested in hearing this, but again concluded that if I was a pastor in a city, I'm basically a missionary to the city. Traveling to other countries and sacrificing the comforts of home is fine for a week or two, but anything longer than that wouldn't really fit in with my plans for life. Thailand.

Just weeks ago on July 1st, the Tang family shared at our church. I love the Tangs and really respect the way that Rob and Denise have followed God's call and taken their whole family to Thailand to work with ZOE International. I've heard them speak several times before and have had the pleasure of serving, and serving with their children at different PCJC camps and church events. I thought that I knew what to expect as they began to share, but I had no idea. One of my biggest concerns with the idea of missions was how I would manage to bring my family with me and how it would affect them. As each one of the Tang children began to share about how God was working in their lives, God really showed me that even on the mission field, God was more than capable of taking care of my children. During this time I once again felt a calling for Thailand. It was so intense that I had to seriously wrestle with the idea of becoming a missionary. Not like a short term missions thing, but if God called me, could I honestly say, Here am I. Send me! I felt like for the first time in my life, I was able to say, wherever and whatever you call me to God, I will go. So I contacted the PCJC Thailand trip leader and Zoe to find out if it was possible for me to join the team. I needed to get to Thailand. Maybe God has been calling me to go and see, maybe he wants me to experience something in Thailand that will help my ministry here, or maybe he's actually calling me to serve overseas as a missionary. I can't say I know the plans God has for me, but I know that he does. So I will do my part to explore his call and see why he has placed a burden for Thailand in my heart. Please pray for me as I prepare for this upcoming trip and expect to encounter God in a powerful way.